The other day I was hit with one of those “Hey, I’m going to browse the Internet for hours for things I have neither the intention nor the means to buy” urges–you know the ones. This time around, I was looking at swimsuits, despite the fact that those protein powder ads all over the subway are continually letting me know that I am not, apparently, beach body ready. Fuck it. Let’s look at things I won’t buy.
Why would I want to wear the archetypal grandmother’s couch as a bathing suit? Especially for $315. Fug.
I am like George in that I want to be ensconced in velvet as much as possible, but a velvet bathing suit can’t A) breathe well or B) be good for water, right?
No, I don’t particularly want a shark coming out of my crotch so it can eat a cartoon mermaid, thanks.
For your stripper Darth Vader needs.
For the love of. Why?
You know what every swimsuit I ever had was missing? A hood! Somehow, I survived.
This looks like what you’d wear if you were the sexaaaay version of a mage in a fantasy mmorpg.
I love the Muppets, but I am genuinely freaked out by this.
This… might be the Jabberwocky? I would absolutely wear this.
Fuck it, I would wear this too if it weren’t $261-down-from-$441 (?!?!?!?).
I didn’t think it was possible for there to be a dinosaur swimsuit I would not like. How dare you?