The Weirdest, Ugliest, And Just Plain ??est Women’s Swimsuits You Can Buy Online

The other day I was hit with one of those “Hey, I’m going to browse the Internet for hours for things I have neither the intention nor the means to buy” urges–you know the ones. This time around, I was looking at swimsuits, despite the fact that those protein powder ads all over the subway are continually letting me know that I am not, apparently, beach body ready. Fuck it. Let’s look at things I won’t buy.

nightmarch

Why would I want to wear the archetypal grandmother’s couch as a bathing suit? Especially for $315. Fug.

velvet

I am like George in that I want to be ensconced in velvet as much as possible, but a velvet bathing suit can’t A) breathe well or B) be good for water, right?

modcloth

Modcloth, why?

franco

MODCLOTH, WHY?!

eeU5NLFJSZ_Blue_White_Ariel_Shark_Graphic_Print_Tank_Swimsuit

No, I don’t particularly want a shark coming out of my crotch so it can eat a cartoon mermaid, thanks.

stripper darth vader

For your stripper Darth Vader needs.

no

No.

50237.0.zoom

For the love of. Why?

image1xxl

Coachella nightmare.

hooded swimsuit

You know what every swimsuit I ever had was missing? A hood! Somehow, I survived.

Amazon-wish-new-piece-swimsuit-hooded-cardigan-sexy-piece-pants-European-and-American-women-s-beach.jpg_250x250

This looks like what you’d wear if you were the sexaaaay version of a mage in a fantasy mmorpg.

yip yip

I love the Muppets, but I am genuinely freaked out by this.

jabberwocky

This… might be the Jabberwocky? I would absolutely wear this.

bear swimsuit

Fuck it, I would wear this too if it weren’t $261-down-from-$441 (?!?!?!?).

dinosaur

I didn’t think it was possible for there to be a dinosaur swimsuit I would not like. How dare you?

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4 thoughts on “The Weirdest, Ugliest, And Just Plain ??est Women’s Swimsuits You Can Buy Online

  1. breadthief24601 says:

    The Darth Vader one… I would. But I’d also wear the helmet and cape and do the breathing and just walk around with a lightsaber, completely in character.

    Like

  2. judysmath says:

    I don’t know… I kinda like the long sleeved one. Ha! I’m waiting for a burka bathing suit to cover my old fat body.

    Like

  3. alamenthe says:

    It’s like watching a Project Runway swimsuit episode, but with only contestants eliminated on the first round.
    Except you KNOW the judges would lavish some pretty outlandish praise on some of them anyway. 😀

    Like

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