The 10 Worst Movies I Saw This Year

pixels

For every Mad Max: Fury Road, there’s a Fantastic 4; for every The Martian, there’s a Pixels. I make no claims to the following movies being the worst of the year, only the worst that I saw, because there’s a lot of shit that hit theatres that I thankfully managed to avoid. Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, for example. But here are the trashiest of trash piles my eyes were subject to throughout 2015. In no particular order:


Pixels
(my review)- Kevin James plays the President of the United States and Josh Gad wins a woman. You’ve lost all your Frozen goodwill, Olaf!

Little Boy (my review) – If not the worst movie of the year in terms of acting or production value, Little Boy is definitely the most morally repugnant. This is the one that told us the nuking of Hiroshima was God’s will, because a tow-headed Christian moppet living in California wanted his dad to come back home from World War II. Yeah.

Project Almanac (my review) – I saw this film in January and remember virtually nothing about it. I suspect that is for the best.

Knock Knock (my review) – Bitches are craaaazy, right? With their childhood sexual abuse and their daddy issues. LOLOL. Eli Roth. So feminist!

kate mara wigFantastic Four (my review) – Eh. Eh? Every single person involved in this mayonnaise sandwich deserved better. At least Michael B. Jordan and Kate Mara had Creed and The Martian, respectively, to ease the blow. Miles Teller had Insurgent. That’s #11 on this list, by the way.

Rock the Kasbah (my review) – Yeah, you rock that racism, Barry Levinson and Bill Murray.

Aloha (my review) – Aloha started with a ukulele-scored montage that inexplicably paralleled the history of space exploration with that of Hawaii. Nothing improved from there.

strange magicStrange Magic – Redbox would turn up their nose at the quality of animation on display here. Also, a character tries to use a magic potion to roofie another character into loving him. Instead, the potion accidentally makes the second character fall in love with Goblin King Alan Cumming; the only way she’ll fall out of love with Goblin King Alan Cumming  is if she happens to fall for her true love instead. Guess who her true love is. Did you guess “the guy who tried to roofie her in the first place”? Ain’t love grand?

Victor Frankenstein (my review)-At a certain point you have to knock off the queerbaiting and just have your main characters go for it.

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