27 Lines from 50 Shades of Black That Still Aren’t As Bad I’m “I’m 50 Shades of Fucked Up”

50 Shades of Grey might have been disappointing in just how bland and mediocre it was (c’mon, where was the infamous communist manifesto line?), but it did give us one moment of shining, beautiful bad movie glory in a wooden, hating-every-second-of-his-life Jamie Dornan delivering the line “I’m fifty shades of fucked up.” It’s an accurate descriptor of the movie as a whole in addition to making no sense at all. “Fifty shades of __” isn’t something people really say.

So when I caught 50 Shades of Grey parody 50 Shades of Black, crafted in the illustrious tradition of other Marlon Wayans vehicles A Haunted House, Scary Movie, and Dance Flick, I knew it would be bad, but I didn’t know if there’d be anything quite awful enough to live up to “I’m fifty shades of fucked up“‘s legacy. That line was supposed to be serious. The following 27 lines are supposed to be funny. I’ll let you make the call.

Subject yourself at Pajiba.

Review: The Finest Hours is More than Fine… st Hours

On the surface, The Finest Hours doesn’t have a lot going for it. A January release date doesn’t tend to yield high expectations, director Craig Gillespie has fallen under the radar a bit since his 2007 breakout Lars and the Real Girl, and star Chris Pine, with the exception of Star Trek, hasn’t really proven himself as a capital-M, capital-S Movie Star capable of headlining a movie. (Remember Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit? Exactly.)

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The Legend of Korra Newbie Recap: “Long Live the Queen”

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This post originally appeared on The Mary Sue.

This episode is called “Long Live the Queen,” so I ASSUME that the Earth Queen is going to die. But maybe Freddie Mercury shows up and does a rousing rendition of “Fat Bottomed Girls” while Pabu and Bolin groove in the background? I don’t know.

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I Watched Bayghazi So You Don’t Have to: A Gif Review

Ahhhh, January. The cinematic dumping. A time for shitty horror movies, whatever the hell this is, and Michael Bay’s hard-hitting take on Benghazi, AKA proof sent down from heaven by JESUS HIMSELF that Hillary Clinton is evil and hates America and kicks puppies in her spare time.

Prepare yourself, though, because Michael Bay’s 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi is actually a hard-hitting, insightful examination of PFFFFFT no I can’t.

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However.

13 Hours

is

………. not awful?

Read the rest at The Mary Sue.

The Legend of Korra Newbie Recap: “Original Airbenders”

This post originally appeared on The Mary Sue.

What a boring, nothing episode this is. Tenzin, you know I love ya. But I feel like we’ve already been over “Tenzin has issues with being too controlling as a teacher/father, but then he has a Personal Growth Moment and gets over it” like three times.

In order to liven up my recap of what was an incredibly mediocre episode, I’ll be sprinkling gifs of cute dogs throughout. MERRY EARLY CHRISTMAS!

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The Legend of Korra Newbie Recap: “Old Wounds”

This post originally appeared on The Mary Sue.

The good guys are still in Metal Clan central, AKA Zhao Fu, where Lin and Su are continuing to have the most dramatic sibling reunion since… well… that time. My sibling fights were more of the “I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you, you can’t get mad because I’m not touching you!” variety. The ATLAverse is harsh.

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The 10 Worst Movies I Saw This Year

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For every Mad Max: Fury Road, there’s a Fantastic 4; for every The Martian, there’s a Pixels. I make no claims to the following movies being the worst of the year, only the worst that I saw, because there’s a lot of shit that hit theatres that I thankfully managed to avoid. Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, for example. But here are the trashiest of trash piles my eyes were subject to throughout 2015. In no particular order:

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Top Five Hyoork-Inducing Scenes in Season 2 of The Knick

Season two of The Knick ended last Saturday, and hoshit, did the finale go to some dark places. A third season is looking likely, but for better or for worse, we’ll have to wait a while for The Knick’s own patented brand of historical body horror to return. In terms of sheer “Oh, holy shit, gross,” The Knick’s sophomore season had a lot to live up to—this is a show that weeded out the weak of stomach with a graphic caesarian section scene in its very first episode, after all—and it did not disappoint. Or it did. I guess it all depends on how you feel about blood, guts, pus and nose flaps.

Read the rest on Pajiba.